Musings

Oy Vey, The Dating Game

Allow Me To Rant About Some Hell Dates So You Won't Make The Same Mistake

Our society has become so used to prepackaged meats waiting readily in the deli case that we’ve lost all hunger for the hunt. If most of us had to hunt for prey in order to quell our appetites, we’d probably starve first. This same privileged apathy applies to dating. The use of dating apps has made random hookups so readily available that the chase -taking the time to really get to know someone while building anticipation for that first satisfying taste of intimacy- has become nearly extinct.

I’ll admit, I’ve never used an app or online dating site, because I still believe in fate or a blind-date introduction from friends who really know and want what’s best for me. I’ve also had the pleasure of experiencing more than my share of creepy strangers online by virtue of my work in media so you couldn’t blame me for being a little gun-shy.

I have, however, observed my friends swiping left and right, hooking up with random chicks every night while complaining to me about how lonely they are. I’ve listened to my girlfriends complain about how the guy just wanted sex and wasn’t interested in anything else. Of course they ended up hooking up, but gee, that was ALL he wanted.

There is a rush to make sex happen as fast as possible with the least amount of effort put in. It must be working, because just about every guy I’ve met in the last few years has been under the assumption that I’d like to drop everything I’m doing pronto to drive over to his house and “chill”. Applying the pressure even after a firm no. Now, I love the point in a relationship when you can just sit on the couch enjoying each other’s company, but I don’t want to do that with a complete stranger, especially not one who’s groping at me all night!

In the rush to push for sex fast, we’re missing out on what we all really crave; intimacy.

That cozy-up on the couch feeling comes once you know that a person chooses you no matter what; they know your story, your faults, your fears, maybe even your family! And yet they still want to be right there on the sofa, sharing oxygen with you. Having experiences together to build this rapport takes time. We all want to feel seen, understood, and supported. I get it, though, if you just want to get to the wham-bam-thank-you-mam’n then go for it! Just be decent and up front about that fact first- and don’t be mad if you don’t get a text back.

Call me old fashioned but I really enjoy the nervous butterflies of a new thing, awkward phone conversations included. Will we have a satisfying tête-à-tête or just long pauses as we struggle to find something in common? Maybe they call at 2pm and I find out they’re a heavy day-drinker still recovering from the night before, who knows! But I won’t learn that from an app or an instant hookup.

Texting in the beginning of a relationship during the getting-to-know-you phase should be off limits, save for confirming dates with time/directions, etc. It’s nearly impossible to set that boundary and, I imagine, especially when you’ve met online. Heck, I have had several guys continue text-bombing me even after I explained this was not my preferred way of conversation, turning every text into a sex joke only to then text a paragraph explaining why I must have misunderstood them or taken it the wrong way. No, it’s not my first unsolicited dick joke; it’s the texting, stupid! There’s one “hot millionaire” who can’t fathom why I won’t talk to him anymore. My dog had just died and he was like, “Oh that’s so sad, want me to come over? I have something that will make you feel better *winky face*” Insta-block.

Unless they’re blatantly a jerk, you can’t really get a sense of a person you barely know when texting back and forth. Maybe you have witty banter but are you really getting to know them? That person may be a clever writer but in person they’re dull and distracted. There’s the risk of creating a great person in your mind because you’re reading more into the texts than the person has to offer and you won’t realize they’re actually not very smart or funny until you’ve spent time together in the real world (guilty!). With no personal history you won’t pick up on tone, sense of humor, eye rolls (looking at you, sex joke guy), it’s a set up for all kinds of miscommunication.

Me not texting you back

Texting gives way more access then should be granted when meeting someone new and then add to that the expectation for an immediate response, or a risque photo. Once I didn’t respond to a text sent late at night, so the guy ASSumed our date the next day was off. He never called to confirm or anything, just told me later that he assumed I didn’t like him anymore –because I didn’t respond to a stupid text he sent that wasn’t even in the form of a question. I get it, we live in an age of ghosting, but talk about projection, what a wimp!

Respect that a real woman will be busy with her own life, she’s not just waiting around for a guy she just met to text her at 8:00 at night (or any worse time later) for the “come over” text. Instant turn off. Set a date with her in advance. This lets her know that she is important enough to block time in your schedule, that you respect she has other things going on and you want to make sure you fit into HER schedule, and that you both will be thinking about each other all week til the big day. Don’t bombard her with texts before then. You’re just giving her a chance to lose interest, honestly. Save all your flirty questions for the date or give her a call for a get-to-know-you chat but keep things light and not sexual. Save the dirty jokes for your actual friends if you really must.

Women love for someone to find them interesting enough to talk to about things other then sex and ironically good conversation will build sexual tension. But for heaven’s sake, stop with all the texting. Using texts as an all-access pass right away leaves nothing to discover down the road.

There is no time to create sexual tension when you expect instant gratification.

As far as getting back to the good ol’ days of dating, I’m not saying you need to go the expensive route, although what girl doesn’t love dressing up for a nice dinner. I don’t mean a dinner at YOUR HOUSE, either. Sure, I’d love for a man to cook for me eventually, but I just met you. I don’t know you. You could be a serial killer trying to get handsy from the confines of your own couch. How convenient.

I’d rather do something casually interesting and in public for a first date, like walking on the beach or around the museum grounds for free (insert your own interests here) while we get to know each other and save the dinner date for the “WOW! You clean up nice” chemistry. Plus, it’s easier to abstain from alcohol during a daytime date and avoid the late-night innuendo. Now you’ve gotten to know each other a little bit and can confirm if this is a person you want to make further effort for and vice versa. Maybe you’ll find out that she’s bipolar or he has a drug problem or an STD, frequents swinger parties, or secretly wants to marry his sex doll…all sorts of things that most people keep hidden at first, but things you learn with time, if only you’d take the time.

I get it, a lot of dates end up being duds. There is a big complaint among men that dating women just isn’t worth the effort. I have met some of these women, I’d agree you should avoid them at all costs. And the good Lord knows after meeting so many ding dongs I’m almost happy to Netflix & Chill with my dog forever.

But in the interest of swinging this solitary ship around before it sinks into the abyss, I’m calling on eligible men to get back to their hunter roots, ditch the easy-access apps, and start enjoying the game again. Likewise, interested women need to know that men enjoy playing games, so don’t let him win so easily. I’m not talking about playing games, that’s a sign of immaturity and that you’re not ready to hold somebody’s heart in your hands. In these days of forced gender neutrality, or neutering, maybe men forget that they really do enjoy a challenge, whether it be basketball, golf, gambling, gaming, and yes, dating.

Me waiting for a guy to prove his love

Believe me, there are good women out there waiting for the right guy to give chase. As long as it’s established she’s actually interested, let her play a little hard to get. Enjoy the suspense instead of swiping onto the next instantly gratifying let-down. She’ll be satisfied knowing he found her irresistible enough to make a winning effort for her affections, and he’ll be much happier knowing he scored a woman who challenged him to a good game.

At the very least I’m linking this to the next guy who invites me over via text.

22 comments

  1. Spot on! love to see this in all the major media pages, unfortunately, they are controlled by the very same forces that enable these behaviours through the products they push.

  2. Well written.
    Glad to see its not just genXers who are disillusioned with modern dating. I for one hate texting and was an uncharacteristically avery late adapter due to necessity. Texting has its place but i agree, it’s a bad tool to use in the beginning. How do tou even know who is really on the other end?
    A day at the gulf beaches till sunset may be a cliche but i’ll take it.

  3. Relationships can be very power full and the most power full part is not the physical part if there is even one. Maybe our
    paths will cross again, we talked a little at the 50th for JFK. Merry Christmas and hope you have a happy new year. TB

  4. Forget dating, we need you to lead a revolution. All we hear from patriots is we need to get out and do something. Do you know how many of us want to do just that? But, we need a leader, someone to organize events and rally the troops. From what I have observed, you would be the person to do it. And, while you are doing what you really love–kicking the ass of those who would steal our country, you will meet Mr. Right—right there in the march YOU organized. This is both a prophecy and a word for the Lord. We need you. Organize it and we will come.

  5. Wonderfully written LeeAnn. I have a 16 year old daughter who is beyond her years and I am going to read this to her TONIGHT. Thank you for your insight. From a father’s perspective, this was invaluable.

  6. Lee Ann…very well put..and everything you wrote resonated with me..I’m from the “Neanderthal” days of exchanging letters and long phone calls with my “one and only”.. 47 years later, and I still have and treasure those letters.., and reflect sadly on an age gone by…

  7. This was a surprisingly comforting read. I don’t know if it’s because of the holidays or if it’s related to winter depression, but this hit really close to home for me. It tapped an emotion I have not experienced lately; that of vulnerability. It’s a relief to read that tinder culture hasn’t yet consumed every soul on this planet. I have found lately that it is becoming increasingly difficult to make a genuine connection with anyone nowadays… Even dogs! Just kidding. Dogs remain pure, in an impure world. Even the dirty ones.
    Especially the dirty ones.
    But back to the problem at hand…
    This technological culture shift has the potential to leave terrible repercussions on future generations… but how can we ever expect overcome or transcend these hurdles? What is the appropriate course of action? Unplug? Go off the grid? Hide!?
    Not today, Tinder… I’m swiping left on that state of mind wholeheartedly. Hard pass. (No pun intended)

    My instincts tell me that rather than feed into that woe-is-me defeatist mentality, I should maintain the course and stick to my moral code, though it is probably flawed. True love will find me some day… And you too, Ms. McAdoo!
    Keep enduring the churning tides of the ever changing culture shift phenomena. Stand strong in your stoic resolve and perhaps you won’t have to waste any more of your precious time on should we say… short-sighted men. And if you wouldn’t mind, do me a favor and give your dog a well-deserved treat for me! Merry Christmas!

  8. I don’t recommend the dating apps. I’ve tried them.
    – Women get spread too thin because there’s always another profile to read and pics to check out.
    – They chase multiple guys at once then forget which details go with which person so ask “How’s your daughter?” when I had previously told her I don’t have any kids. Big turn-off.
    – They initiate with a smiley face and “Hi. How are you doing?” then you respond but never hear from them again (ghosting).
    – They are very different in person than they portray in their profile.
    – They talk incessantly but never ask questions or seem to have interest in who I am. They seem just to want someone to vent to.
    – Their profile page statements go on about how they don’t need a man and pre-judge all men, then they wonder why guys aren’t chasing them.
    – If it goes well, they won’t commit to giving it a chance but continue to look for a guy even while they’re seeing you.
    – They try to act like they think a guys acts, swearing and pushing people around. But this is a turn-off.
    – They are very fast to dump you, as if we only have 2 days to chat before the end of the world. This results in making assumptions about you then acting on those assumptions as if they accurate.
    – They ask for your full name within a few text messages then do online research to figure you out rather than getting to know you in a real way.
    – Dating site women are too picky because the dating pool is HUGE so they can just keep looking, hence guys get rejected for some tiny inconsequential imperfection.

    I recommend staying away from online dating. I’m over it and am happy to hang out with the dog and my guy friends. Ahh well.

    It’s nice to hear from you, McAdoo. It’s been awhile.

    1. This sounds awful! Although I admit I am guilty of doing a pre-google on people. In my industry it’s kind of a prerequisite. Finding something unsavory doesn’t necessarily stop me from going on a date with them, but you’re right, it tainted my opinion of them and perhaps made it a bit harder to be in the moment. Good luck!

      1. I think it’s sad that some people feel the compulsion to social media stalk potential dates rather than getting to know them in person then make decisions based on that result. In your business it makes more sense to do some research on potential dates.
        Another thing…people on dating sites will try to define your having never been married as a sickness or pathology. They are very suspicious of unmarried people. I’ve never understood why.

    2. I think we all just need to go back to holding hands and courting like people back in the day used to do, our parents and grandarents. But being that now a days we have pornhub and Xvideo at our command, I dont think thats going to happen. Morality, along with Elvis, has left the building.

      1. Right! Back in Iowa, as young people, my grandfather had to find someone who knew my grandmother in order to properly meet her. Amazing!

  9. So many expectations from the man and then turned off when he gets the same way. And why do we either gotta be wimps or the knight in shining armor? We’re both. You want and need both. Let’s amazon prime and shhhh this is my favorite part of the movie and chill.

    ᛏᚱᛖᚾᛏ ᚨᚲᚱᛖ
    ________________________________

  10. Well-written.

    I don’t own a hand-held microwave oven brain cancer- (and other cancer-) promoting CIA tracking device, so I don’t have to worry about texting. But I think I might be the only one to have side-stepped that Rothschild innovation.

    I’ve been working on getting a scalar cell phone created. The only problem with inventing it is being immediately suicided — or, hey, just plain murdered — by one or more of the bankers’ minions.

    Fortunately, the brain itself is a scalar wave antenna . . . so once certain energetic conditions in the solar system are met (see David Icke on moon control and Saturn), we should be able to regain our natural telepathy. Soon.

    Meanwhile, for anyone interested in the scalar phenomenon, which Tesla called “non-Hertzian waves” or “stationary waves,” and which modern-day Russian researchers term “torsion fields,” they can feel free to read these two interviews with Serbian electrical engineer Goran Marjanovich.

    1) “The Scalar Conundrum: Will Solving the Riddle of Scalar Waves Help Us Solve Some of the Mysteries of Earth’s Past?” https://anamericaninbosnia.wordpress.com/2018/07/02/the-scalar-conundrum-will-solving-the-riddle-of-scalar-waves-help-us-solve-some-of-the-mysteries-of-earths-past/

    2) “The Scalar Conundrum: Who Is the Real Nikola Tesla? An interview with Serbian electrical engineer Goran Marjanovich” . . . https://anamericaninbosnia.wordpress.com/2019/04/16/the-scalar-conundrum-who-is-the-real-nikola-tesla/ Also here: https://www.facebook.com/SemirOsmanagich/photos/a.288652307817629/2727433597272809/?type=3&theater

    I hope everyone has a texting-free, cell phone-free, promiscuous sex-free, romance-filled, scalar wave-filled holiday.

    Sincerely,
    Jock

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